Another day where I feel like something is missing. Another morning, he wakes me up in a crabby mood. Just once, couldn’t he say “Good Morning” like a normal human being with feelings? I always feel so sad in the mornings.
My husband and I have been together for 7 years. We dated for 5 years, married for 2 years. We have a daughter together. He has a son from a previous messy and abusive relationship (on both of them). We don’t own our own home yet. Our vehicles are breaking down.
I have a university and college education, was in the army for 6 years, and have the will to succeed, but things got in the way of my mental well-being. Aside from my dysfunctional upbringing, I left home at 17, and pursued an education and chased boys, oh, and signed up for the army. Well, in the army, I was determined to do well and prove myself as a female, and I believe I did that! I was an amazing on the weapons ranges, and was resilient. However, my boundaries were invaded by disgusting and sexually deprived males. I was raped in my barracks by an instructor at the end of my basic training and soldier training. I was also taken advantage of while I was drunk, by three different guys that weekend. So began my military career. Throughout, and almost on a daily basis, I would witness or have men say crude and sexually inappropriate remarks. The whole military culture was very sexist, and there were warrant officers asking if they could just have me for one night. My boyfriend at the time was also in the army, so it was hard to escape the fact that I felt like a piece of meat. He was addicted to porn, so Obviously this manipulated and twisted my thinking. I turned to alcohol, cigarettes, and tried ecstacy on an army base while I was taking medical courses. Then tried cocaine out in the wild wild west. I numbed myself hardcore. I lost myself in the process. I developed bulimia and anorexia. I abused my body, then when my brain cells were no longer functioning normally, I left my boyfriend for a coke head from the army as well, and moved in with this new guy. Craziness. I left the coke head, and moved away from that city. I got away from it all but then I went crazy with my college fund and decided to start escorting to earn some money. Well, this lead to taking more drugs of course.
I met my husband while he was on house arrest, and I was looking for cocaine after being clean for 9 months. He was intrigued that I wanted to be an escort. I always thought.. hmm… its because of the money. He denies having that thought but I am pretty good with feelings and intuition.
Ugh, I have one more hour until the pharmacy opens up. One more hour until I have my daily dose of suboxone. Wish I would have got the help I truly needed and still need, back then. I could be sitting in Belize, or on the ocean coast breathing in that beautiful sunset. I am way more than this. BUT I screwed up, and what we reap.. we DO sow.