Fragile – Confessions of Uncertainty

Good morning

Another day where I feel like something is missing. Another morning, he wakes me up in a crabby mood. Just once, couldn’t he say “Good Morning” like a normal human being with feelings?  I always feel so sad in the mornings.

My husband and I have been together for 7 years. We dated for 5 years, married for 2 years. We have a daughter together. He has a son from a previous messy and abusive relationship (on both of them). We don’t own our own home yet. Our vehicles are breaking down.

I have a university and college education, was in the army for 6 years, and have the will to succeed, but things got in the way of my mental well-being. Aside from my dysfunctional upbringing, I left home at 17, and pursued an education and chased boys, oh, and signed up for the army. Well, in the army, I was determined to do well and prove myself as a female, and I believe I did that! I was an amazing on the weapons ranges, and was resilient. However, my boundaries were invaded by disgusting and sexually deprived males. I was raped in my barracks by an instructor at the end of my basic training and soldier training. I was also taken advantage of while I was drunk, by three different guys that weekend. So began my military career. Throughout, and almost on a daily basis, I would witness or have men say crude and sexually inappropriate remarks. The whole military culture was very sexist, and there were warrant officers asking if they could just have me for one night. My boyfriend at the time was also in the army, so it was hard to escape the fact that I felt like a piece of meat. He was addicted to porn, so Obviously this manipulated and twisted my thinking. I turned to alcohol, cigarettes, and tried ecstacy on an army base while I was taking medical courses. Then tried cocaine out in the wild wild west. I numbed myself hardcore. I lost myself in the process. I developed bulimia and anorexia. I abused my body, then when my brain cells were no longer functioning normally, I left my boyfriend for a coke head from the army as well, and moved in with this new guy. Craziness. I left the coke head, and moved away from that city. I got away from it all but then I went crazy with my college fund and decided to start escorting to earn some money. Well, this lead to taking more drugs of course.

I met my husband while he was on house arrest, and I was looking for cocaine after being clean for 9 months. He was intrigued that I wanted to be an escort. I always thought.. hmm… its because of the money. He denies having that thought but I am pretty good with feelings and intuition.

Ugh, I have one more hour until the pharmacy opens up. One more hour until I have my daily dose of suboxone. Wish I would have got the help I truly needed and still need, back then. I could be sitting in Belize, or on the ocean coast breathing in that beautiful sunset. I am way more than this. BUT I screwed up, and what we reap.. we DO sow.

 

Grieving the loss of a friend

I found out yesterday from a friend, that our friend Lisa passed away on July 31st. I think back to when we met, and when I saw her last. I also am haunted by the fact I had a strange feeling a couple weeks ago up until yesterday that she was either really sick or had passed. I just felt it. Nonetheless, I was shocked, and am grieving for her, as she was only 36 years old, and her little girl, who is 8 years old, I feel for the most.

See, I went onto the methadone maintenance program, for I was treating my chronic pain with oxycodone 80mg x 4 tabs a day, and I couldn’t do it anymore. So after about a year on methadone, I switched clinics to be closer to my home, and that is where I met Lisa. She was a heroin addict for many years, and went onto methadone, but she was still using cocaine, clonazepam, and occasionally opiates. I will never forget what a kind soul she was, and how I felt empathy for her life. She had an abusive mother, and had a stillborn baby boy before she had her baby girl. She was haunted by her past, but was always cheerful, and a was a sweet person. Yes, she was a drug addict, but she was deserving of life just as anyone of us deserves. Earlier on this year, she had an abscessed tooth that spread to her brain and heart. She was hospitalized, had heart surgery, and I remember the last time I saw her, it was at the clinic. She was asking me if I could drive her to the hospital, as she was still having chest pain. At the time I was busy, but I wish I could have spent that time with her. I guess the infection was still present in her heart and brain. She suffered from two massive strokes, and passed away.

I am most disappointed in myself, as I should have told her about Jesus Christ, and maybe I could have saved her soul. I wonder if she knew that she needed a savior. I remember when I went to her house one time, she explained that she heard different spirits in her home. A little boy spirit was a frequent visitor. Its like she was connected to the other side.. its like they were letting her know, she would be going to the other side soon. So haunted by all this.

I’m not afraid.

I started on Suboxone 3 weeks ago, and am anxious to be weaned off. I have been on numerous medications for depression, anxiety, chronic pain and opioid dependency. Now that I am in my 30s, I feel as though exercise, nutrition, mindfulness, having goals, and having a good perspective on life, is WAY more effective in treating all the above. I am literally sick and tired of taking meds that kill my sex drive, cause weight gain, among other terrible side effects. Doctors are so keen on prescribing pills, as they make commissions off of them. They just don’t have our best interests in mind. That’s my opinion.

I am not afraid to experience real emotions, pain, and depression. I am not afraid of anxiety either. I am growing in faith, and believe in myself like I never have before. I have come along way. I went from having a dysfunctional childhood, many lustful and rocky relationships, being an escort for 6 months, being addicted to drugs (started with alcohol, then ecstasy, cocaine, and ended with opioids. I will not return to those dark and depressing times. I was so lost. I was out of control. I am picking up the pieces of my mental health and spirit. I am putting everything back together, so I can feel whole again. Writing helps. I am so fortunate to have the time to think about my life and figure out what I want, as I am unemployed currently. I do hope I can find a job that I can enjoy, and that pays good (who doesn’t want that?).

 

This is my life, and all things merry

I quit my job last week. Yes, I was not getting enough shifts, nor was I fond of being called last minute to go in to work.

I am unstable emotion wise as I weaned off, then went cold turkey, off of Methadone. I will post more about this nightmare journey of 2 years in the near future.  I have experienced withdrawal symptoms that just don’t seem to go away, at least not yet.  I feel like I am going to vomit, and I feel sweaty, dizzy, and my emotions are up and down. I just want to feel normal.. you know.. not sick.. and just be myself. I miss ME. I do not agree with how Doctors prescribe so many poisons and potions, that truly mess up lives.

Alright, so I started on Suboxone, and I honestly feel like I fell for the Devils tricks again. I am such a wimp. I went 4 days without Methadone, and my husband thought I was psycho because I would start arguments, take everything personally, and have adult, but child-like tantrums. Ugh. I am so embarrassed of what I have done in the past. I am sure it will all come out in this blog, because I need to vent all these dusty memories in order to truly heal my soul.

My Short Term Daily Goals:

  1. Nurture my marriage – Speak less, listen more// Quality Time // Present myself in a new and positive manner, rather than the “old” me (negative Nelly)
  2. Nurture my daughter-mother relationship with my 6 year old – Spend quality time throughout each day, do not let her down or disappoint her (always follow through!), model Christ in all that I do and say, continue to get her comfortable with being alone in her bed at night, so that I don’t have to let my husband down every night when I lay with her instead. This is a struggle, as I am so tired at the end of the night, so when our daughter asks me to lay with her, I am fine with laying down with my little boo. She is so wonderful. This is one of my happiest moments as a mother, reading books to her, then we talk a bit, and we get all comfy and she will fall asleep, Sometimes I fall asleep, and then I miss my own comfy bed and husband. Sometimes my hubby will come in and wake me up. Sometimes I get grumpy with him, because well, I am half asleep and was in dreamland already. That leads me to my next goal..
  3. Create a self -care schedule for morning and evening, and follow it!
  4. Obtain employment * I am applying for ambulance dispatch position this week. I pray that I get this job. I will be flabbergasted and do a happy dance, that’s for sure.
  5. Exercise – Use Pinterest, or YouTube, Walk 60min. /day, Water
  6. Continue to explore my self – blog/self-compassion/self-understanding. I give myself permission to live an incredible life. I love myself.     That was hard to type, but I have to keep loving myself. We all have to love ourselves, and not in a selfish way, but just being good to ourselves and taking care of ourselves. Smiling at ourselves in the mirror. Buying an item for yourself. Running along the beach, and feeling damn good about who you’ve become! That’s where I am at.. My husband has done a 360 since we met. He went from being a criminal (jail time, drugs, women, stolen cars.. you name it), to a family man who works to provide stability, and who goes out of his way to buy us all things with his pay. He has PTSD and yes we bump heads sometimes, but our love for each other is so strong.
  7. Put God the almighty creator, our father, who made the heavens and the earth, and all of us (whether you want to believe it or not), first before anyone or anything! He deserves my constant attention.. If he could lead me.. if I did not have free will and an inborn urge to sin, then I would be living a WAY better life. I really have made bad choices in the past. I really felt God’s wrath from those choices. Yes it happened. And Now that I am seeking Gods truth, forgiveness, love and guidance, I have this drive inside of me, this feeling of pure love within me, and that my friends , is him pushing out all the negative and all the hurt. I wouldn’t have been able to get this far, and be doing this well, without him. Its all about prayer, and talking to God. We all seek out that “something”, and that is where addictions come into play, whether its sex, drugs, shopping, coffee, etc. We try to fill that void on our own accord, but we cannot do what God can do. We are only human. God can fill that void.. He has filled the void, that I tried to fill for 15 years of substance abuse, failed relationships, failed careers, failed self… All of that shit that I chased after, led me into the bitter and painful destruction of myself, and ultimately my SOUL.

Burning like a Star, Lovely and Bright

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I am on a healing journey. I am letting go of the dysfunctional, sinful, and dark past. I am boldly facing myself in this blog, and allowing my thoughts and feelings to guide me, knowing that I will come out of this journey as a butterfly breaks free from the cocoon that once trapped her.  My soul is about to soar high above the mountain-tops in Banff. My soul is no longer with the evil one, no longer searching for “relief” from the tragedies and pain of the past, for I am reborn. My soul belongs to Jesus Christ. I already feel at Peace. 32 years into my life, I feel like I have seen more than the average woman my age. Allow me to introduce those dark and desperate times. I give myself permission not to feel ashamed nor guilty. I give myself permission to feel love and the ultimate freedom!

 

YES, I am ready for an ecstatic life

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I am 32 years young, am married to the man of my dreams, and have 2 beautiful children (10 y/o Boy, and 6 y/o Girl). I live in Canada, with my birth taking place in Fredericton, New Brunswick in the year of 1984. My father, a woodsman/musician, and my mother, a home-maker, welcomed me into the world that snow-storm filled evening as their first born daughter after trying to conceive for 4 years. They lived in the country, in an old school portable with no running water, no heat, and with no transportation, they would hitch-hike , or rely on family members to drive them into the city. My father would wake up in the early morning and head out to work via. hitching a ride. My mother, who was co-dependent, would stay at home with me when I was born, and wait oh so patiently for her husband to return after a long days work.

I took my first steps on my first birthday…..      to be continued

High on Life

At this very moment, I am feeling so exuberant. So free. So ecstatic. As if all the substances in the world couldn’t compare. It must be the holy spirit. Incredibly I feel as though I am a delicate rose, about to blossom from where I am.

I am so in love … I never imagined this kind of love, or maybe I did imagine it. I haven’t felt this happy, without any additives! It pays off to stay on a good path. I can testify. When we do wrong, we will pay the consequences! When we forgive others, and ourselves, we can finally be set free. It feel so pure. The essence of Who I truly am, is astounding. I am finally forgiving myself, and I feel the love throughout my bones, and its electrifying!